A tribute to the long-suffering Yankee fan
This one is for you. You whose team's dominance stalled at 26. 26 measly championships. Only 16 more than the closest runner-up. Why couldn't it be 17? Why? This is for you.
For you, who had to suffer through 9 years of your team not being the best in its particular sport. This is for you.
In 2004, octogenarian Red Sox fans said that after 86 years, they could finally die in peace because their team finally won. Now you can feel that joy. While your wait was slightly less than one-tenth theirs, you have suffered ten-fold. For you are part of an entitled fan-base. You are a Yankee fan.
You wandered in the desert for 9 years. But now you can bask in your just desserts.
The shame of "26", you wore it like a scarlet "A." But that is erased. A new number: "27" adorns your new clothes. But what will you do when "28" rears its head? What will you do. Will "27" be enough? Or will the suffering return?
Think not on these tragic misfortunes, Yankee fan. For tonight, you may rest peacefully. Tonight YOU are a champion.
Other teams may threaten your mantle, but your owner spares no expense to keep them away from what is rightfully yours. Because what fun is a sport, when other teams are allowed to compete? No fun at all, I say. And that is why this is for you.
Like Lazarus, you are back from the dead. You have walked through the valley in the shadow of death and here you are. Proud. A fan. A fan of a team of men who play a game. Millionaire men. You are a fan... of champions.
Wealthiest team in baseball wins it all, shocks the worldIn a shocking turn of events that could only happen in America, the New York Yankee$ won the 2009 world series. It is a Cinderella story. That is, if Cinderella were Paris Hilton, was waited on by greased man-servants and fed grapes from a platinum bowl. While some believe that it defies all logic and happened only because of the players' herculean strength and the prayers of their loyal fans, the team that had more money that all the other teams, and spent more money than all the other teams, finished in front of all the other teams.
"It truly is amazing," said long-time fan and taxi driver Joe Schmoe, "I mean, I never would have expected this to happen. I mean, I'm almost in tears! I never thought I would live to see the Yankees, my beloved Yankees win a 27th World Series! I can finally die a happy man!"
Team captain, Derek Jeter, while bathing stark naked in a whirlpool of Cristal, had this to say, "well, I never would have believed that we could do it, I mean, sure Mr. Steinbrenner can pay any price to fill any hole in this team, but never in a million years did I think the half-a-billion dollars he spent last off season would lead to this..." Mr. Jeter trailed off when he was interrupted by Nick Swisher's head emerging from the champagne pool below.
Nearby, on a post-game buffet spread that would make Caligula blush, John Sterling and Susan Waldman made passionate love atop a tub of caviar. Sterling could be heard saying repeatedly, "Thuuuuuuuuuuuuh pitch......... THUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH YANKEES WIN" as Waldman moaned, "OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS, THIS IS BETTER THAN BEING IN GEORGE'S BAWX!!!" When asked how does it, Mr. Sterling replied that he just closes his eyes and pretends she is a young George Steinbrenner.
"Only in America could this happen," said Alex Rodriguez, the once-maligned millionaire yankee third baseman, "I mean, I finally understand the sanctity of the game, now that I finally am a Yankee." He then went on to relieve himself in a jewel encrusted urinal in the team's multi-million dollar bathroom.
Manager Joe Girardi was utterly stupified, "I really don't know how we did it. I guess outspending the competition really can overcome even the most profound managerial ineptitude."
Proud and humble New York Yankee patriarch George Steinbrenner was wheeled into the clubhouse celebration. While most of his physical form has either deteriorated or been replaced by mechanical parts, his visage was still visible behind the tubes and wires that sustain his life-force. One could almost see the outline of a smile form behind his hyperbaric breathing apparatus. "shhhhhhhhhh-huuuuuuh I am very proud, shhhhhhhh-huuuuuh, of my boys, I owe this to them, shhhhhhh-huuuuuuuh, they gave it their all, shhhhhhhhh-huuuuuuuuh, and in the face of unbelievable adversity, shhhhhhhhhhh-huuuuuuuuuh, they were able to stick it out, because....... because..... shhhhhhhhh-huuuuuuuuh.... a yankee, never quits.... even when the pre-game hors d'oeuvres are ..... delivered late..........." With that, attendants whisked Mr. Steinbrenner away to a private facility where his central nervous system could be cleaned and recharged for more post-game festivities.
No matter who one's favorite teams is. Today is a day that all Americans can be proud of what the New York Yankees have accomplished. Today is a day where all Americans -- wealthy or rich, powerful or semi-powerful, president or senior vp -- can all join together and be proud that the wealthiest team in baseball outspent and out-earned and out-scored the rest of the league. Today, the New York Yankees are truly in a league of their own. Hank Steinbrenner has just announced that do to an unprecedented amount of revenue, especially in a time of economic strife, the New York Yankees have purchased the rest of the MLB.
So take heart, Americans. In a time of hardship, sacrifice and financial despair unknown since 1929, the team that most closely represents our national values humbly accepts their trophy.
+
